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How to spot toxic Energy Vampires

How To Deal With Energy Vampires

True story: I woke up from a dream this morning where a really close person to me was literally a vampire. To preface, I usually have interesting dreams, some can be very vivid and symbolic, but I don’t usually have dreams like this. Being a little on the nightmarish side, it kind of freaked me out. When I woke up, the message I got was “energy vampire.”

Yikes.

“Could this person actually be an energy vampire?” I thought. Perhaps you’ve had a few of these in your inner circle for quite some time and weren’t even aware of the negative impact they were making in your life.

Being an energy giver, it’s easy for me to want to offer help at any instance. But as I and my business grows, I get a lot more clarity on the importance of creating healthy boundaries with people who are energy vampires.

To be clear, often times, these energy vampires aren’t aware of how toxic their behavior can be, or how draining they can be on people who are more emotionally mature and self-aware.

In order for you to create healthy boundaries, or even remove them from your life, you need to identify who these energy vampires are.

Characteristics of Energy Vampires

Energy vampires are, at their core, fearful, insecure people who thrive in or project negative emotions. They lack empathy and generally resonate in fear-based thoughts, which manifest into fear-based actions (i.e. negativity, self-importance, entitlement, combative coversation, manipulation, Narcissism, drama, self-defeat, explosive anger, verbal abuse, blame, and victim mentality).

According to Dr. Sophie Henshaw, a clinical psychologist, energy vampires aren’t self-aware and lack emotional and mental maturity. They aren’t good listeners and tend to feel like the world revolves around them, or that the world exists for their gain.

On an acquaintance level, they can be charming at first, showering you with fluffy praise and adoration. But it doesn’t take long for a person who is of a healthy emotional state and mind to discover they are being manipulated or used. In my experience with toxic people, they are often times ‘on the outs’ with other people or frequently burning friendship bridges.

Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective. They often lack empathy. They believe that they must take everything they can get from others and that giving anything will deprive them of essential resources. It’s as if the whole world exists just to serve them and you are the latest object upon which they have set their sights for exploitation.

-Dr Sophie Henshaw

Energy Vampires May be Classified as Such:

The Narcissist -self-absorbed, lacks empathy
Be extra cautious with these types of people. Learn the traits of Sociopaths
The Victim – whiners, self-defeatists, lack of initiative, blames everything and everyone, lack of willingness to find solutions
The Passive Aggressive may say hurtful things to cut deep or drop manipulation bombs on you when they need to get what they want.
The Rager spews his or her venom, anger and toxic energy
The Drama Queen seems to enjoy drama, self-destructive behavior, negative talk or gossip

Assess Healthy Friendships with These Questions:

  • Does this person give me energy or drain it?
  • Do I feel good after a day/conversation with this person, or bad?
  • How do I feel when I’m around this person?
  • When the phone rings and I see their name on the caller ID, how do I feel or respond?
  • Does this feel like a one-sided relationship where I give more than I receive?

You might feel exhausted, bored, irritated, stressed, anxious, threatened, overwhelmed or depressed after just a few moments in that person’s company.

Dr. Sophie Henshaw

Don’t Be An Accomplice for Energy Vampires

Inner circle friendships and even family members who may be energy vampires can be hard to avoid, but there are ways to limit your time and association with them. The first step is identifying who they are (which we’ve covered) and the second step is to check your own emotional state.

What are your thoughts and feelings right now? What emotions are you resonating at most often right now? If it’s fear, anger, insecurity, sadness, and lack, you may be an emotional or energetic match to that friend right now.

Is it possible you are in a more vulnerable state right now? When we’re going through a difficult time, we tend to be more susceptible to the influences of negative people. If so, it may be time to go inward and see where you are emotionally. Spend more time with positive people who make you feel energized. If you are in a low state, seek out help from a professional counselor or commit to more self-care. Spend some time reading books that address the issues you may be having. Meditate, do yoga, unplug for a week and get away somewhere, or just take walks to reconnect with nature and yourself.

You are responsible for the energy you give, and the energy you receive.

Ways to Avoid and Say ‘No’ to Energy Vampires

If you are certain it’s not the latter, you simply need to exercise saying ‘No’ and getting really good at creating boundaries. Imagine putting up barriers between yourself and the toxic people in your life. Visualize these invisible barriers between you and them. See yourself with positive, happy people and envision yourself moving further away from people who make you feel drained, sad, unmotivated or heavy.

If your main reason for spending time with someone is because you think you should rather than if you really want to then reflect on A.) Who it is you are trying to please – other people or yourself? – and B.) The price you’re paying for doing so.

Margie Warrell

Know where your boundaries are, and when this person starts creeping in too close, you’ll recognize it. You’ll know when to abruptly say, “I’m sorry. I’m going to need to let you go right now.” 

Here are some other ways to express your thoughts, create healthy boundaries or say ‘No’:

  • “I’m sorry, I have a lot of work to do at the moment and it’s really important that I get it done today. I don’t have much time to talk right now.”
  • “You seem to be really sad/angry right now. Do you think it would be beneficial for you to talk to a counselor?”
  • “Your party/event sounds like a wonderful idea! I personally don’t have the time to invest but I’m sure you will gather the team you need.”
  • “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d rather not talk about this subject unless you want to discuss the actions you are going to take fix the situation.”
  • “When you talk like this, I feel really drained.”
  • “I understand this is a subject that you’re passionate about, but I really don’t want to talk about (other people, religion, politics, etc).”
  • “I don’t feel like you listen to me when we talk. This really feels like a one-sided relationship.”
  • Turn your phone off during the day or refuse to answer the calls of friends or family who have nothing better to do than drain you of your positive vibes. The first few times will probably make you feel like shit if you’ve always been there for them, but you will get better at it once you realize your time, emotional well-being and work are more important than their drama.
  • Fill your calendar up with good, positive plans with good, positive people. That way, you are always busy –even if it’s a lunch date with yourself.
  • Simply stop responding to their calls, emails or texts. Eventually, they will see something is wrong. When they ask, tell them the truth about how their association makes you feel, and wish them happiness.

To be clear, I don’t recommend unfriending and ignoring friends or family in their times of real emotional need and support. But if you see a pattern, and their draining behavior is chronic (i.e. always some kind of drama, verbal toxicity or negativity), they need to seek out professional help. Define where your limitations are for these people. It’s one thing to be a listening ear or sounding board. It’s another to feel like you’re always giving and the relationship offers zero emotional exchange.

It is not your responsibility to be an energy source, a bank of good vibes or a punching bag for them. Be kind, courageous and compassionate. Express that you care about them and want to see them happy and thriving.

Separation from energy vampires and toxic relationships is not about self-righteousness, it’s about getting clear on what you want and who you want to surround yourself with. We are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. If your goal is to excel in business or have a positive outlook on life, it only makes sense to surround yourself with people who have similar qualities.

What ‘The Secret’ Isn’t Telling You

“Manifest it!” the gurus keep telling you. But you’re still stuck.

“Why doesn’t it work?” you ask.

Let me share with you my philosophy and advice on using The Secret and the proven techniques I use to manifest cool shit in my life and career. Stay with me, this is a long read but it’s totally worth it.

Get What You Want by Claiming It

Whether you want to change careers, become a consultant, find love, attract more money, make cool stuff for a living, blog about your favorite things, etc. I am going to say first and foremost: It’s doable. There are plenty of resources for you to accomplish this and the universe is limitless.

Want to make money following your passion? You can. Not sure if you have a skill that is valuable to others? You do. Everyone does. Even if you think your skill isn’t a skill or “not quite ‘there’ yet,” it’s there.

Wherever you are in the process, I encourage you to: recognize it, validate it and then sharpen it. Sharpen it like a samurai sword and invest in yourself, first and foremost. Make yourself as valuable as humanly possible.

In fact, see yourself as a Master of whatever it is you love to do. For the next 2 weeks straight, your task is to go to sleep each night and wake up every morning and say, “I AM A MASTER OF   _______________________”.

manifestation mantra

After a few weeks of consistently doing this, you are going to start believing it, and stuff is going to start shifting.

Whatever you state, you believe. Whatever you believe, becomes. This works for better or for worse. So definitely stop saying you’re fat, ugly, broke, can’t find work, can’t find a good mate, can’t do anything right, etc!

Rule #1: Stop the negative self-talk.

What ‘The Secret’ Isn’t Telling You

We have all heard about ‘The Secret’, right? Or Abraham Hicks, if you are deeper in the spiritual community. Most people have read ‘The Secret’ even if they don’t consider themselves “spiritual.”

I love those ladies and their work. But so often I see people walking away feeling energized and then a few days or weeks later, feeling discouraged because “nothing is happening.” (Maybe a lot of people are expecting something to fall from the sky?)

What message are these leaders leaving with us? Are we missing something? That seems to be the question I hear from audience members all the time.

This frustrates me because manifesting what we want is not so hard to achieve if we’re willing to be open, be courageous, have faith, or just do the work. As Jim Carrey stated in an interview with Oprah: “You can’t just say ‘I want to be an actor’ and then go eat a sandwich.”

“By thought, the thing you want is brought to you. By action, you receive it.”

-Wallace D. Wattles

Why it Doesn’t Work for Everyone

You see, I like the intention of Abraham Hicks, Neville Goddard, and Rhonda Byrne messages, but I feel as though they have left some very important (if not crucial) elements out of their philosophy, books, and seminars.

And the marketing portion of my brain sees a bit of hypocrisy.

What makes their business model work so well is that they’re addressing valid pain points with an ancient law of the universe philosophy and they don’t follow up with clear, actionable steps. The message is getting misinterpreted by people who want something (money, love, and success, usually), and want it immediately without really doing anything, or taking any kind of action — because a lot of these gurus state that ‘no action is required.’

Except simply wanting it. Or “getting into the vortex.”

What happens is, people aren’t getting to the meat and potatoes of the Law and they keep returning for something they missed. Entire books are written devoted to expanding on this subject. Groups and networks of thousands of people are created discussing how to get what they want using the Secret or the Law and yet, I keep seeing the same questions over and over.

The teachers are failing to teach, and so the students keep coming back to learn, wondering if they missed something. What they are missing is the most crucial element of manifesting. And that is F A I T H.

FAITH is what “the Vortex” is. It’s the emotional vibration of faith and knowing. With faith, we have the courage to take the action required for The Universe to meet us on that road.

Why ‘Nothing’ Happens

People aren’t truly getting the results they want because they either aren’t convinced they can get what they want (faith), they lack the will or courage to go out and get it, or they aren’t sure how to align their actions with what they want because they feel it may interfere with the process.

Example: “I shouldn’t be looking for that job right now because I want to manifest to win the lotto and looking for a job will tell the universe that I don’t believe I’m going to win the lottery.” 

Ok, I get that this is an extreme example, but. Do not do this.

So, what you hear is, “It’s already yours but you’re blocking it”, “You aren’t getting what you desire because you need to get back into the vortex.” Or, “just think it and let it go and it becomes yours.”

What they forget to tell you, or emphasize, are these important factors:

  • Your actions must then match your goals and desires
  • Your ENERGY must match what you desire. Money energy is what? Freedom, ease, gratitude, charity, joy, a relaxed state, excited? If you want money, for example, you can’t focus on the lack of money, you have to feel and express the emotions that having money creates.
  • Your skillsets much match your goals. Do you want a new career or a higher paying job? Do what you need to do to be a candidate for that new career or the higher paying job. I can’t say I want to be a doctor without completing med school. If your skill sets don’t match, work on making yourself more valuable. Yep, it may take time, and that’s where the next step comes in. But give the Universe something to work with!
  • Be willing to do the work and be patient. It may take 3 years. Be willing to commit and motivated enough to see it work out. It didn’t happen overnight for JK Rowlings, Rhonda Byrne or for Abraham Esther Hicks, either.
  • You really need to have incredible faith in yourself. Believe you are a Superhero and Creator of your life. You are a Magician and everything you set out to do comes to pass. Say this all the time, never let doubt take over. Ever.
  • Avoid negative self-talk. Never speak poorly of yourself, of your life, your surroundings or the people who come into your life. Never say, “I always get ripped off” or “I’m not good at that, or “I don’t ever win at that.” These kinds of phrases should not exist in your life.
  • If you want it: Then claim it, state it. Be it. Prime example: Gary Vaynerchuk — “I AM going to own the NY Jets.” If you want something there is no ‘maybe’, or ‘hopefully’. There is only one phrase: “I AM __.”
  • Have patience, have faith and take action. Believe it is coming to you but work with the universe to facilitate the receiving. It could be something as simple as a meeting, showing up, making a phone call, creating a new resume, finishing the book, or just asking. Actions don’t always have to be big. ‘Action’ just means: create a space for your request to come into fruition. I know of people who need and want work and they refuse to get on LinkedIn or attend business mixers or even meet new people. They wonder why a job isn’t manifesting, but what they are missing is the action required to be discovered. A recruiter isn’t going to show up at your doorstep because they got a message from the universe that you are looking for a job and then got your contact details from a homing pigeon.

Again, Jim Carrey is a prime example of someone who has been fearless in his desires and pursuits. He manifests whatever he wants. (And he did so BEFORE he was rich and famous). But his success, nor anyone else’s’ didn’t happen overnight. And it won’t for you either. It may take a few months, a few years even. And that HAS to be ok.

Choose to be happy and optimistic, even in the down times — it will keep you motivated.

My Manifesting Strategy and How it Will Work for You

[My backstory] It took a little over a year to really switch gears in my career. Over 10 years had passed as a fashion designer and in the last year of my fashion career, everything for me had totally shifted. I was no longer interested in doing corporate fashion nonsense or designing fast fashion clothes. I had been juggling fashion, branding and social media marketing for the last several years. But now I wanted (needed) something that provided more freedom, less stress. I wanted a career that was more fluid. I wanted to do something where I really felt like I was making a positive impact and a difference.

After having a very honest conversation with myself, I realized my current profession as a fashion designer was going to have to go. I needed to make room for the new future and career I wanted to immerse myself in, which was creative, branding and digital marketing. I struggled with this change pretty bad. Shifting gears in my late 30s was freaky. I listened to every TedTalk and YouTube guru I could until it finally sunk in.

The overarching message behind every successful author, businesswoman/man, entrepreneur, public speaker, motivator, etc. was this: Decide. Make yourself valuable, stick to the goal, be patient, believe in yourself 100% (faith) and be willing to do the work.

They used The Secret (kind of) to visualize what they wanted. But what made them successful wasn’t just imagining it, but knowing they were going to do something (setting their intention), and sticking to their plan, which allowed their actions to match and be in alignment with the thoughts.

I had already decided: Fashion design was simply not conducive to me earning the kind of money I wanted or working from a warm beach in Hawaii or south France (or anywhere I pleased, for that matter). So I got rid of everything in my office that was fashion related and closed the book on that chapter.

I literally just DECIDED, and it changed my course.
My actions matched my decision.

If you want to soar with eagles, you can’t peck with chickens. — Dad

After the big decision, and after I kind of went into autopilot and started purging all of the things in my life that didn’t serve or match to the end goal, my office space was now clutter free and I no longer had the weight of dead, expensive projects hanging around my neck. With the fat trimmed, I was able to concentrate on the meat of my goal. It was now time to hunker down and work on my other skillset: being a Creative Director and Digital Media Marketer.

Switching tracks in your career may not be easy, but for me, I decided to make it fun and challenging. It wasn’t entirely new territory for me, so that helped. I had been doing it all along, just not as a profession for others.

Yep. It was scary sometimes, and I had issues with identity because I had been tied to fashion for so long. But I believed in myself enough to know I had this. Over the course of the next two years, I read every article or book I could get my hands on about digital marketing and social media, I tried out what worked and learned what didn’t. I plugged away with branding, influencer outreach, blogging, building WordPress websites, creative content, short commercials, and even learned how to make a little passive income with eBooks and affiliate networks; I learned SEO, Google Adwords, Facebook advertising and got pretty darn good at social media marketing. Within a year of flipping the switch and becoming obsessed with my new career, I launched my media company, gained three long-term clients and several short-term high-paying contracts. I was already making triple what I used to make.

The Power of ‘I AM’

What you want, who you want to be, or the life you want to live isn’t just about thinking about itasking and hoping for your wish or prayer to be grantednor is it about negotiation: (ex.) “When I retire, I’ll be able to do this”, or, “When I have money, I can do that”, “Maybe if he’d do this, I could do that”.

It’s about YOU being the ultimate creator of YOUR life and story. It’s about you knowing the power of change and that creation lies in YOU.

Don’t overthink it. Just think, decide, have faith and do. Creation begins with “I AM ______ (fill in the blank). And allowing and aligning your actions to match that statement.

Reaching Your Big Goal

Define what your BIG GOAL is and envision it (to travel, be financially independent and earning $20,000 per month, quit your day job, start a business, etc). See it, smell it, feel it, BE it. Really take it all in and try it on.

Your actions MUST match your goals. Ask yourself this question whenever you arent certain: Does this serve my end goal?

For example, if you want to take a direct trip to Los Angeles, California, you wouldn’t take a highway up to Montreal, Canada, would you? The same is true with your end goal. Once you’ve made your mind up for what THAT is, all decisions, actions, goals should match with your end result. Once you tell your brain where you want to go, it (and the universe) will help you in getting there. Be patient, have faith. KNOW that it is working with you and for you to manifest itself.

When we decide to be or do something, our brain not only sets us up to go in that direction, but we find we are accomplishing every goal along the way that leads to the big goal. Not sure? Keep a list of goals posted on your cork board and cross them off and refer to them often to see where you’re at. You’d be surprised how awesome this works.

I’m All Over the Damn Place”

Call it energetic or universal law. If you find yourself all over the place, it’s most likely because you don’t know where you want to go, or your goals and thoughts are all over the place. Remember, wherever your thoughts go, energy flows. If you keep changing up the story, the road trip is gonna be a long one before you finally get to your destination.

THE KEYS TO MANIFESTING ARE THIS:

1. Deciding what you want — Decision is a powerful action. Do it without hesitation.

2. Speaking it into creation — Don’t allow for negotiation on who or what you want to do, or be. Speak it. It is yours. Use the phrase, “I Am ___”

3. Committing to that goal 100% — This means staying focused; commit yourself to do the work. Your actions should match your words.

4. Matching your energy to what you want — Your vibration (aka your mood and mindset) should match what you want. If you’re certain you are going to make 6 figures this year, why are you in the low vibration of fear, lack, and worry?  “Act as if it is already yours” simply means, “Be joyful, grateful and excited about your life!” 

5. Become absorbed in whatever it is you want to experience, do or be. Hone your skills, learn everything you need to learn. Learning more about what you want to manifest will not block what you want.

6. Knowing it is yours and staying the course — It may be scary or tiresome at times, but your patience and work will pay off. Maintain your positive, joyful and grateful attitude. When you begin to doubt or feel impatient, say “GOOD THINGS ARE COMING.”

Because they truly are. ❤️