Life
How To Deal With Energy Vampires
True story: I woke up from a dream this morning where a really close person to me was literally a vampire. To preface, I usually have interesting dreams, some can be very vivid and symbolic, but I don’t usually have dreams like this. Being a little on the nightmarish side, it kind of freaked me out. When I woke up, the message I got was “energy vampire.”
Yikes.
“Could this person actually be an energy vampire?” I thought. Perhaps you’ve had a few of these in your inner circle for quite some time and weren’t even aware of the negative impact they were making in your life.
Being an energy giver, it’s easy for me to want to offer help at any instance. But as I and my business grows, I get a lot more clarity on the importance of creating healthy boundaries with people who are energy vampires.
To be clear, often times, these energy vampires aren’t aware of how toxic their behavior can be, or how draining they can be on
In order for you to create healthy boundaries, or even remove them from your life, you need to identify who these energy vampires are.
Characteristics of Energy Vampires
Energy vampires are, at their core, fearful, insecure people who thrive in or project negative emotions. They lack empathy and generally resonate in fear-based thoughts, which manifest into fear-based actions (i.e. negativity, self-importance, entitlement, combative coversation, manipulation, Narcissism, drama, self-defeat, explosive anger, verbal abuse, blame, and victim mentality).
According to Dr. Sophie Henshaw, a clinical psychologist, energy vampires aren’t self-aware and lack emotional and mental maturity. They aren’t good listeners and tend to feel like the world revolves around them, or that the world exists for their gain.
On an acquaintance level, they can be charming at first, showering you with fluffy praise and adoration. But it doesn’t take long for a person who is of a healthy emotional state and mind to discover they are being manipulated or used. In my experience with toxic people, they are often times ‘on the outs’ with other people or frequently burning friendship bridges.
Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective. They often lack empathy. They believe that they must take everything they can get from others and that giving anything will deprive them of essential resources. It’s as if the whole world exists just to serve them and you are the latest object upon which they have set their sights for exploitation.
-Dr Sophie Henshaw
Energy Vampires May be Classified as Such:
The Narcissist -self-absorbed, lacks empathy
Be extra cautious with these types of people. Learn the traits of Sociopaths
The Victim – whiners, self-defeatists, lack of initiative, blames everything and everyone, lack of willingness to find solutions
The Passive Aggressive may say hurtful things to cut deep or drop manipulation bombs on you when they need to get what they want.
The Rager spews his or her venom, anger and toxic energy
The Drama Queen seems to enjoy drama, self-destructive behavior, negative talk or gossip
Assess Healthy Friendships with These Questions:
- Does this person give me energy or drain it?
- Do I feel good after a day/conversation with this person, or bad?
- How do I feel when I’m around this person?
- When the phone rings and I see their name on the caller ID, how do I feel or respond?
- Does this feel like a one-sided relationship where I give more than I receive?
You might feel exhausted, bored, irritated, stressed, anxious, threatened, overwhelmed or depressed after just a few moments in that person’s company.
Dr. Sophie Henshaw
Don’t Be An Accomplice for Energy Vampires
Inner circle friendships and even family members who may be energy vampires can be hard to avoid, but there are ways to limit your time and association with them. The first step is identifying who they are (which we’ve covered) and the second step is to check your own emotional state.
What are your thoughts and feelings right now? What emotions are you resonating at most often right now? If it’s fear, anger, insecurity, sadness, and lack, you may be an emotional or energetic match to that friend right now.
Is it possible you are in a more vulnerable state right now? When we’re going through a difficult time, we tend to be more susceptible to the influences of negative people. If so, it may be time to go inward and see where you are emotionally. Spend more time with positive people who make you feel energized. If you are in a low state, seek out help from a professional counselor or commit to more self-care. Spend some time reading books that address the issues you may be having. Meditate, do yoga, unplug for a week and get away somewhere, or just take walks to reconnect with nature and yourself.
You are responsible for the energy you give, and the energy you receive.
Ways to Avoid and Say ‘No’ to Energy Vampires
If you are certain it’s not the latter, you simply need to exercise saying ‘No’ and getting really good at creating boundaries. Imagine putting up barriers between yourself and the toxic people in your life. Visualize these invisible barriers between you and them. See yourself with positive, happy people and envision yourself moving further away from people who make you feel drained, sad, unmotivated or heavy.
If your main reason for spending time with someone is because you think you should rather than if you really want to then reflect on A.) Who it is you are trying to please – other people or yourself? – and B.) The price you’re paying for doing so.
Margie Warrell
Know where your boundaries are, and when this person starts creeping in too close, you’ll recognize it. You’ll know when to abruptly say, “I’m sorry. I’m going to need to let you go right now.”
Here are some other ways to express your thoughts, create healthy boundaries or say ‘No’:
- “I’m sorry, I have a lot of work to do at the moment and it’s really important that I get it done today. I don’t have much time to talk right now.”
- “You seem to be really sad/angry right now. Do you think it would be beneficial for you to talk to a counselor?”
- “Your party/event sounds like a wonderful idea! I personally don’t have the time to invest but I’m sure you will gather the team you need.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d rather not talk about this subject unless you want to discuss the actions you are going to take fix the situation.”
- “When you talk like this, I feel really drained.”
- “I understand this is a subject that you’re passionate about, but I really don’t want to talk about (other people, religion, politics, etc).”
- “I don’t feel like you listen to me when we talk. This really feels like a one-sided relationship.”
- Turn your phone off during the day or refuse to answer the calls of friends or family who have nothing better to do than drain you of your positive vibes. The first few times will probably make you feel like shit if you’ve always been there for them, but you will get better at it once you realize your time, emotional well-being and work are more important than their drama.
- Fill your calendar up with good, positive plans with good, positive people. That way, you are always busy –even if it’s a lunch date with yourself.
- Simply stop responding to their calls, emails or texts. Eventually, they will see something is wrong. When they ask, tell them the truth about how their association makes you feel, and wish them happiness.
To be clear, I don’t recommend unfriending and ignoring friends or family in their times of real emotional need and support. But if you see a pattern, and their draining behavior is chronic (i.e. always some kind of drama, verbal toxicity or negativity), they need to seek out professional help. Define where your limitations are for these people. It’s one thing to be a listening ear or
Separation from energy vampires and toxic relationships is not about self-righteousness, it’s about getting clear on what you want and who you want to surround yourself with. We are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. If your goal is to excel in business or have a positive outlook on life, it only makes sense to surround yourself with people who have similar qualities.
